| I wish I had something to post more often 22 April 2005 I think I'm just about over this stupid crush that took up nearly the entire school semester. I wish I could stop having crushes, but they are truly so much fun when they start, that it's hard to give up the act of crushing even when it is hard and painful, inefficient and pointless. I think I've just about hit that stage where I am doubtful of the possibility of his ever returning any sort of affection to me. It is too much work to try to guess what he is thinking because it collapses me when I realize that he's not thinking about any person in particular at all, but rather some snafu with computers or something. Then again, that's often what I am like until I start contemplating him. I feel happy sometimes, but other times, I feel melancholic and slow and sad. I think it is either an obscene lack of sleep or perhaps I am bipolar like my friends and I joke around about. Of course, bipolar disease is no joking matter, but still, my moods swing back and forth. This obscene lack of sleep is taxing. For one thing, I am not awake enough in class. I like being awake in class and participating. I was awake and focused the entire time during CS this morning, and it felt amazing, like it was the best class that I've had in a very long time. But I know that is not true because every class is amazing if I could only just stay awake. I have this problem where I will be sleeping, dreaming, and then in the middle of my dream, I realize that I am in a dream. As I realize I am in a dream, I think to myself, "Shit, did I set my alarm?" Immediately, I am yanked out of my dream just to see that my alarm clock says 7:17 am. I haven't talked to anyone who becomes cognizant in the midst of a dream. I also have never found another person who refuses to be chased in dreams, but goes after the chaser and kicks their ass. I do this. I refuse to be chased. But does that really say anything about the conscious me? I mean, in real life, would I fight, or flight? It is rather cliched to ask, but as I've never been in such a position, I do wonder. |
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